Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Dating With Children - How long should you wait before bringing someone you are dating around your children?



The dating world can be a painstaking frustrating task for sure.
In today’s world there are so many variables to consider that many people have opted to stay unattached.
They just don’t want the complications of dealing with someone who may be more careered driven or just gotten out of a bad relationship or marriage.

The relationship is often doomed from the start because these individuals are for the most part still not over their ex. These statistics below are according to a survey I found on www.yourtango.com www.BreakUpWithYourEx.com

- 74% of women and 64% of men think about their ex too much
- 76% of women and 70% of men have looked up an ex on the internet
- 50% of women and 40% of men say they look at their ex's Facebook or other online profile too often

That’s really tipping the scale towards the doomsday side.

When you add into the equation divorced and single parents looking to date you come up with even more complicated variables to consider.
I really see these parents facing quite a quandary to find someone compatible to their situation.

In today’s society we have divorcees with children, single unmarried parents both male and female.
We have single grandparents raising their grandchildren.
Raising kids takes quite a chunk of your life but as an adult you have feelings and needs for some adult companionship. Some parents deny themselves the simple company of a member of the opposite sex let alone entertain the thought of a romantic life.

How many men or women even would consider taking on a person with children as a part of the package?

When you are dating someone with kids you have to figure where there is a divorced or single parent there is another parent be it a mom or dad in the picture. 

That might be enough to put out the emergency stop sign.


So when you are an unattached parent and wanting to get back in the dating scene when is the appropriate time to introduce the person you are dating to the kids?

 I asked a few people this question and here is what they said:

 “I never introduced a man to my sons unless I was serious about him as in about to or close to marriage!”

She continued by saying:

 “As mothers, we are the female role models for our children. I did not want my sons to think of women as loose because they saw me with a parade of men!”

Another woman said:

“Being a single Mom and dating is work. You have to work on yourself before you go out there trying to date anyone. You just cannot let anyone around your children no matter if they are teenagers, small or grown. That man is only there temporarily. Your kids are with you for life.
Kids are the judge and jury when it comes to someone coming into their life that is not the biological father or mother. If that chemistry is not correct then you are going to have a fire in the hole”.

A man’s perspective came from this gentleman who said:
“We knew each other for years before we even started dating.... our son's played sports together for many of those years... but you are right, she sacrificed love for what was best for her child ... for me, I am sorry if the person I was seeing is treating my child with respect and love then I would tell my child that I love her very much but who I date is not for you to choose ... sorry that’s just my opinion ... it’s not a matter of choosing the child or the man,,,,, it’s a matter letting that child know the boundaries...periodddddddd”.
He also added:

“I am the one that has dated single women with children, oh and actually I married a woman that had a child.  Now let me tell you the biggest obstacle.  THE CHILDREN.... Ladies when you decide to date or marry a man please make sure that in your eyes, he is the one for your child/children and that you are ready to allow a man into their lives”
These are some very valid and insightful points by these individuals and I appreciate their candor and honesty on the subject.

The thing for any persons who are embarking into this situation is to have patience and plenty of understanding from both of your sides of the table.
If you are a single man or woman dating someone with kids you have no idea what to expect from this situation.  It is going to be a difficult position to be in whether the kids are of very young age to teenagers or young adults. They are going to size you up and form their own opinion before you step foot in the door. You are vying for their mother or fathers attention which means you are taking some attention away from them.

It is important to have some boundaries with your children as the gentleman in who gave his opinion in this article stated.  
Children should not dictate to their parents who they can or cannot date.
Now that does not mean one should ignore hearing their child’s or children’s feelings on the matter.

It’s important that they know mom or dad love them and just because they choose to date in no way lessens that love.
When you are dealing with children who are going through parent separation stemming from a divorce or a break-up you must be aware of their children’s emotions.

They are going through what may be a traumatic change in their lives and could be suffering from feelings of abandonment and betrayal.
It can be a very confusing time in a child’s life so it is vital to be sensitive when it comes to introducing someone new into their lives.

Teen males may be very protective of their mother by seeing themselves as filling in their father’s role as the one to look out for the family.
They may also harbor some resentment towards their father for leaving the family therefore making them resentful and unaccepting to anyone dad may be seeing.

Younger girls tend to cling to their father and constantly seek his attention as they get older depending on the father daughter relationship they may become rebellious as a way of getting attention.
The relationship with mom can be tricky as well for some girls may act out against mom at an earlier age and by the time she comes into her teen years see mom as somewhat as an adversary instead of an ally.

This may surface whenever mom has someone new in her life even more as she just sees mom’s friend as someone she is trying to replace her father with.
For the most part if single parents handle the dating situation responsibly the transition can go well for all.  Kids thrive best in a stable home be it with two parents or one.
So when is the proper time to introduce someone you are seeing to your children?

Some may feel it should be done right away.

Dr. Leah Klungness, http://www.justaskdrleah.com/ co-author of The Complete Single Mother believes that a “new relationship should

be exclusive for several months (that is for a serious relationship not a casual affair)”.

 What it comes down to is knowing and having a clear understanding of the relationship you have with your kids. People may assume they know the relationship level between them and their kids but if they cannot communicate clearly what that relationship is then they don’t have an understanding of the situation and if you don’t understand something how can you claim to know of it?
Practice good judgment on how you conduct your adult life from your family life.

Kids really don’t need to see a parade of men or women coming and going remember you set the tone.
You are the role model from who they get their first impression.

Divorced and single parents deserve the chance at having someone in their lives if they so desire.
Most are responsible and mindful of what their expectations are when dating.

Being a parent is a hard job for anyone raising kids.
It’s okay to want to just relax and enjoy the company of another adult.


Written By: Larry D. Miller

Larry D. Miller has over 20yrs in the field of crisis intervention as a call center supervisor for national crisis hot line.


Larry enjoys spending time with his family, writing (Larry has completed and published his first book) and playing golf.
You can find him online at his book's facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/How-to-cheat-and-not-get-busted/115333998547614?ref=hl) his blog http://larrydm.blogspot.com or his Twitter page (https://twitter.com/LarryDWWilf)