The dating world can be a painstaking frustrating task
for sure.
In today’s world there are so many variables to
consider that many people have opted to stay unattached.They just don’t want the complications of dealing with someone who may be more careered driven or just gotten out of a bad relationship or marriage.
The relationship is often doomed from the start because
these individuals are for the most part still not over their ex. These
statistics below are according to a survey I found on www.yourtango.com www.BreakUpWithYourEx.com
-
74% of women and 64% of men think about their ex too much
- 76% of women and 70% of men have looked up an ex on the internet
- 50% of women and 40% of men say they look at their ex's Facebook or other online profile too often
- 76% of women and 70% of men have looked up an ex on the internet
- 50% of women and 40% of men say they look at their ex's Facebook or other online profile too often
That’s really tipping the scale towards the doomsday
side.
When you add into the equation divorced and single
parents looking to date you come up with even more complicated variables to
consider.
I really see
these parents facing quite a quandary to find someone compatible to their
situation.In today’s society we have divorcees with children, single unmarried parents both male and female.
We have single grandparents raising their grandchildren.
Raising kids takes quite a chunk of your life but as an adult you have feelings and needs for some adult companionship. Some parents deny themselves the simple company of a member of the opposite sex let alone entertain the thought of a romantic life.
How many men or women even would consider taking on a
person with children as a part of the package?
When you are dating someone with kids you have to
figure where there is a divorced or single parent there is another parent be it
a mom or dad in the picture.
That might be enough to put out the emergency stop
sign.
So when you are an unattached parent and wanting to get
back in the dating scene when is the appropriate time to introduce the person
you are dating to the kids?
She continued by saying:
“As mothers, we are the
female role models for our children. I did not want my sons to think of women
as loose because they saw me with a parade of men!”
Another
woman said:
“Being a single Mom and dating is work. You have to work on
yourself before you go out there trying to date anyone. You just cannot let
anyone around your children no matter if they are teenagers, small or grown.
That man is only there temporarily. Your kids are with you for life.
Kids are the judge and jury when it comes to someone coming into their life that is not the biological father or mother. If that chemistry is not correct then you are going to have a fire in the hole”.
A man’s perspective came from this gentleman who said:
“We knew each other for years before we
even started dating.... our son's played sports together for many of those
years... but you are right, she sacrificed love for what was best for her child
... for me, I am sorry if the person I was seeing is treating my child with
respect and love then I would tell my child that I love her very much but who I
date is not for you to choose ... sorry that’s just my opinion ... it’s not a
matter of choosing the child or the man,,,,, it’s a matter letting that child
know the boundaries...periodddddddd”.Kids are the judge and jury when it comes to someone coming into their life that is not the biological father or mother. If that chemistry is not correct then you are going to have a fire in the hole”.
A man’s perspective came from this gentleman who said:
He also added:
“I am the one that has dated single women with children, oh and actually I married a woman that had a child. Now let me tell you the biggest obstacle. THE CHILDREN.... Ladies when you decide to date or marry a man please make sure that in your eyes, he is the one for your child/children and that you are ready to allow a man into their lives”
These are some very valid and insightful points by these individuals and I appreciate their candor and honesty on the subject.
The thing for any persons who are
embarking into this situation is to have patience and plenty of understanding
from both of your sides of the table.
If you are a single man or woman dating
someone with kids you have no idea what to expect from this situation. It is going to be a difficult position to be
in whether the kids are of very young age to teenagers or young adults. They
are going to size you up and form their own opinion before you step foot in the
door. You are vying for their mother or fathers attention which means you are
taking some attention away from them.
It is important to have some boundaries
with your children as the gentleman in who gave his opinion in this article
stated.
Children should not dictate to their
parents who they can or cannot date. Now that does not mean one should ignore hearing their child’s or children’s feelings on the matter.
It’s important that they know mom or dad
love them and just because they choose to date in no way lessens that love.
When you are dealing with children who
are going through parent separation stemming from a divorce or a break-up you
must be aware of their children’s emotions.
They are going through what may be a
traumatic change in their lives and could be suffering from feelings of
abandonment and betrayal.
It can be a very confusing time in a
child’s life so it is vital to be sensitive when it comes to introducing
someone new into their lives.
Teen males may be very protective of
their mother by seeing themselves as filling in their father’s role as the one
to look out for the family.
They may also harbor some resentment
towards their father for leaving the family therefore making them resentful and
unaccepting to anyone dad may be seeing.
Younger girls tend to cling to their
father and constantly seek his attention as they get older depending on the
father daughter relationship they may become rebellious as a way of getting
attention.
The relationship with mom can be tricky
as well for some girls may act out against mom at an earlier age and by the
time she comes into her teen years see mom as somewhat as an adversary instead
of an ally.
This may surface whenever mom has someone
new in her life even more as she just sees mom’s friend as someone she is
trying to replace her father with.
For the most part if single parents
handle the dating situation responsibly the transition can go well for
all. Kids thrive best in a stable home
be it with two parents or one.So when is the proper time to introduce someone you are seeing to your children?
Some may feel it should be done right
away.
Dr.
Leah Klungness, http://www.justaskdrleah.com/ co-author of The Complete Single Mother believes that a “new relationship should
be
exclusive for several months (that is for a serious relationship not a casual
affair)”.
What it comes down to is knowing and having a
clear understanding of the relationship you have with your kids. People may
assume they know the relationship level between them and their kids but if they
cannot communicate clearly what that relationship is then they don’t have an understanding
of the situation and if you don’t understand something how can you claim to
know of it?
Practice good judgment on how you conduct your
adult life from your family life.
Kids really don’t need to see a parade of
men or women coming and going remember you set the tone.
You are the role model from who they get
their first impression.
Divorced and single parents deserve the
chance at having someone in their lives if they so desire.
Most are responsible and mindful of what
their expectations are when dating.
Being a parent is a hard job for anyone
raising kids.
It’s okay to want to just relax and enjoy
the company of another adult.
Larry enjoys spending time with his family, writing (Larry has completed and published his first book) and playing golf.
You can find him online at his book's facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/How-to-cheat-and-not-get-busted/115333998547614?ref=hl) his blog http://larrydm.blogspot.com or his Twitter page (https://twitter.com/LarryDWWilf)